Dark place

I deal with depression. I have since I was a kid. I hate it and do everything I can to get rid of it. It likes to stick to me like cold, wet glue though. Sometimes I give up and give in. These are my dark days. Days I hate everything, myself most of all. Especially now that I have kids. I take care of them and manage my home well. My girls are never neglected. However, I know I'm a distant mother. I know my heart is numb and I am dead inside. My girls do suffer for this. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself for feeling so irritable every time I hear their voices. Instead of relishing these precious moments with my daughters I'm frozen in this state of lonely dis pare. I know that I should be living every moment in complete happiness since I have it made. I have everything I could ever want. My girls are healthy, my husband has a job, we live in a safe, secure place, I know Jesus and that He loves me and yet, AND YET, day after day I can not pull myself out of this depressed state of mind. It is killing me. My heart is crying out "help me PLEASE help me!" but my mind continues this destructive path. I wish I could scrape this brain from out of my skull and replace it with another. One that was normal and could see the world without depression. I hate depression. I am so sick of this state I'm in!